40 Day Water Fast; Sort Of

Yes, I went 40 days without food. Crazy, yes. I did mostly a water fast with some cleansing herbs thrown in for good measure. I did drink herbal teas, two kinds Yogi Detox and Bigelow Mint Melody. I am not going to play the holy health guru here; I am a heathen strait up. When things get too tough in my life I turn to beer and weed. Even when things are not tough, I eat with joy, deeply. Sometimes I yummmmm and ahhhhh so much at eating my partner tells me to shut it. Of course, with all the great food there is; it is deeply enjoyed with a fair share of beer and weed during the best of times. I did not give up coffee on this fast. Why the confession, because, looking on line there are all kinds of fasting rules. Most people forget rules are there to make us think about what we want to do; not to be a cage. With giving up beer, weed and food and limiting my coffee to a cup or less a day I feel I can say with all honestly, I fasted whether I fit someone else’s rules or not. The proof is physical. I lost 43 pounds and that does not happen if I were not fasting.

Now, as with any article on fasting I must give a disclaimer, to protect me from you and you from yourself. I am not a doctor. If you are not an adult (17 years and younger) you NEED to consult an adult before trying an of these suggestions. If you are an adult, you need to think for yourself, do your own research, come to our own conclusion, take your action from your own conscious, and accept responsibility for those actions. I admitted in the first line I am crazy so take it all at face value.

I am not one who takes another’s advice without truly taking it as my own, meaning I am like a king surround by those in his court, all giving advice, I listen, I think, I feel and intuit, and then I come to my own conclusion. No one can follow all the advisers in the court and probably the smartest, the jester is often ignored. I will list links to helpful websites below. Some of the sites I did not take any of their suggestion but the info they shared allowed me to come to my own conclusions. It is unfortunate when friends give advice, and I even do this on occasion but not often, and things do not work out and they come back with the old, “But I told you……”. In such a case there was no advice given there was an “I know better than you” pronouncement, which is always a form of control. Real advice is given then dropped. Where it goes is not important because it has no agenda.  So, when fasting I advise you to look at a wide range of articles, take in as many points of view as possible, and then sit with it, and really feel what is right for you. If I learn one thing during this fast it is going without food for 40 days is a BIG deal not to be taken lightly.

A little history, I have fasted and cleansed for over 30 years. I started with 3 and 5 day fast in my early 20’s. I had lived in a Forth Way Community and it was a common practice. We all fasted once a week on Wednesday. I remember the uproar of the students how it was impossible to live without food. We all learned that we could live and thrive on less than we thought. I was young, innocent and trusting therefore I took whatever  the teacher presented as truth. Of course, being strong and devout to the group I had no problems. This experience had set me on a life of fasting. I have done mostly "master cleanse" fast which is drinking mostly a concoction of lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. There is a ton of info on this on line, so look it up. I have learned with the 40 day fast there is a big difference between a juice cleanse fast and a water fast. I have done cleanses for up 10 days periodical throughout life. I typically do a cleanse fast at least once a year of 5 to 10 days. I am now 55 so that is a lot of shorter fast and cleanses.

Most folks will be wondering- WHY! There is never no easy answer as to why someone does such extreme things. Why climb Everest and because it’s there is not an answer but a smart aleck remark. To be complete honest I am one who is an extremist; so, I take what others would think of as fool-heart risk or even CRAZY, there that word again, undertakings; it is not something new to me. As I mentioned earlier, I do not blindly take advice and I am use to the doubters. I am sure there are reasons I am not conscious of laying somewhere in the deep cave of my being. What I do know is the last three years have been beyond hard for me. My partner has experienced a relapse in to her mental dis-ease with all the full-blown drama that ensues. It is so hard to see and FEEL the one you love unable to see themselves or that thin vale we attach to as reality. I have been one who has lived their life with a certain degree of intuitiveness. I have mostly felt I was listening to Mah-n-Jah’s (God) will for my life. This does not mean thing always worked out, in fact the hardly ever worked out the way I thought they would. This also does not mean I do not and did not experience resentment and anger at things going astray. I vent but I do not vent on others or society for my lack of what I determine success. I vent at Mah-n-Jah (God). Now most would call this blasphemy but I believe in going to the source and if Mah-n-Jah gave me emotions like anger and resentment I am certain that they understand their usage when dealing with earthly frustrations. So, during the last 7 years we acquired a small plot of land and I set out, as I felt inspired to do, to create an organic farm use as little gas as possible. You can check out the website for that adventure here- http://tiedyefarm.org/ . I always have strived to find ways I can to help and honor in some way our Mother the earth as while as my children and therefore all of humanity and this was my latest effort. To mark a long story short, it did not work out. After a few successful years it all went downhill. We had PHD’s and soil test and advisers galore and no could figure it out. All the sign point to a thriving farm. Then we discovered we had garden symphylans, which are not unheard of in Oregon and can not be treated so the farm was done. I felt betrayed! The chance of picking a plot of land with symphylans was slim not to mention the cost of starting the farm and most important the putting in of energy and soul into the land. Well, I descended into self-pity hell. I had not been able to process any grief while also dealing with my partners situation. Sometimes when we love someone else, they DO need to come first. I was rageful at Mah-n-Jah (God). Yelling -Screaming- punching denting into the garage door -insane in the fullest and then putting that aside to be there for others needs. I was drinking and smoking a ton and had gained quite a bit of weight. It was time, in fact beyond time to get an attitude adjustment and a long term fast seemed to be the way to get back to my roots, forgive myself, forgive Mad-n-Jah, and to get back in touch with my true being and my intuition. My partner has gone on meds which seemed to open the door for me to take time for my healing, the time had come for me to get serious and I took it! Off and running, more like by the end walking slowly, 40 days of fasting, prayer and meditation.

This was a long 40 days. I learned water fasting is nothing like cleansing, though the longest I ever cleansed was 10 days even in that time period the differences became apparent. Water Fasting seemed to be a slower deeper process. It came in waves. Cleansing seems to plateau and then you ride a “Fasting High”. I never had a fasting high for more than a few intermittent days or hours during this fast.  It all started the same, the first 3 days can be rough. There is hunger and the consistent desire to eat. It is both mental and physical. The body and will are in a constant struggle. Food Dammit! Fast Dammit! Most times I when I fail a fast or cleanse after deciding to do so is in the first 3 days. Sometimes things are not working out as life might has other plans; sometimes it does not work out because, shit, I like to eat. Normally after the first 3 days on a cleanse thing get better. Gradually you feel lighter, light becomes brighter and eyesight clearer (In fact my glasses usually stop working well, which goes back to normal after the fast). The mind begins to clear and a state of ethereal serenity takes hold. It can be blissful and somewhat addicting. This is what I anticipated to happen on the water fast, 40 days of bliss and Mah-n-Jah(God). I decide to do this fast during COVID-19 as one does need space and time to fast or do a long cleanse. There is light-headedness and one does get extremely tired at times.

After the initial 3 days of the water fast the “fasting high” started to settle in. I was happy prepared to meditated for the remaining 30 day and to commune with the higher realms. NOT SO FAST! About day 5 or so of the water fast the bottom fell out. My body started to cleanse on a whole no level. I felt like shit! Flu like aches and pains, mind cloudy, lethargy, disorientated, I could not sleep enough and felt like I could not function at a societal level at all. It is amazing we all get sucked into a societal level of functioning where there is no time to be outside of that level, it is like a cage keeping us from inner work and deep contemplation, like fasting or meditative retreats. Sure, one can go to some fu-fu retreat center and have a retreat if they are wealthy or give tons of time to the societal level and then take a retreat, but then they are so worn out all they probable really need is a good nap. This phase lasted until about day 15. I was just about ready to throw in the towel. I did come on a blog, PersonalExcellence (linked below) that was very helpful as she did a 20 water fast and listed day by day her progress. I found it hard to find such accounts on line. Google is now full of the new intermittent fasting trend and info on longer fasting is getting buried. There are many Christian articles on spiritual fasting I found useful (also listed below) but none with a day by day, blow by blow account. CelestineChua’s blog gave me info I needed to know someone else was not living in the bliss zone during this period. I continued because of this info. I was feeling like something was going terribly wrong because this was so much different than the cleansing experiences I had in the past.

After about day 15 thing did start to slowly progress into an even keel. Back on day 12 I took a hot Epsom salt and hydrogen peroxide bath. I usually do these with a cleanse. It went well with the normal and to be expected light-headedness when getting up. When I take a bath during a cleanse, I always tell my partner to keep her ears peeled as it would be easy to fall with your head in an outer space disconnected form the body. One’s ability to “think” about little things like gravity tend to be skewed. Skip one week ahead to day 19, still being in the cleanse the body mode, I took another hot bath with the same Epsom salt and hydrogen peroxide. That time the result was like a truck driving over me then backing up for another run. I realize I never did a juice cleanse this long before so there was the time difference and this was different. I was feeling good going into the bath, better than most would expect for living on mostly water for 19 day so I gave it little mind. Upon getting out of the bath there was the usually light-headedness while sitting on the edge of the tube waiting for the fuzzy to clear. It seemed too, so I stood up or almost. I was so quickly on my knees I do not remember getting there. I do remember thinking I should kneel and then it seemed I was there without moving. I managed by crawling to get to the bed and laid there for a go long time. I felt all was good with the world again and got up to get some water. I made it to the door and that dam door handle felt like it was greased. I tried for a second to hold on and me and my empty fist I hit the floor. I was out cold. My grandfather was a boxer and he had a good story or two but he must have forgotten the one of lying on the mat and never hearing the ref say 10. I came to after a while, probable not long and made it to get water. It was then I fully realized this is nowhere near a juice cleanse and needs to be taken much more seriously. I took some E-emrgan-c electrolytes blend and things started to get back to normal. I have to watch my electrolytes in summer. If I do not I can get sever cramping at nights and even occasional dizziness during super-hot days so this made sense. During the rest the water fast when I was getting too light-headed, I would reach for the electrolytes. The longer I fasted the more I needed. I was afraid of ODing on the stuff so I looked up what we need in a day to survive and the E-emrgan-c was nowhere near what was require with no other food intake so by the end some days I took it twice a day as my horizontal plane was become more like the deck of a ship. Once again it is important to do your own research and listen to your body.

I had one session of craniosacral message therapy on day 21. That was followed by an acupuncture session. I normal do these in succession as they work great to re-enforce each other’s therapeutic qualities. Usually after these sessions I came home and take a short nap. This time I came home and passed out I slept just about the rest of the day and the next day as well. I just could not get out of bed. This was not in a bad way. When I did get up to have some water, I felt good just sleepy which is much different than tired. Tired to me feels like I am dragging, like I need to get something done and have no energy. Sleepy feels almost content like the choirs are done, everything is done and it is just OK to take a peaceful rest. I did have another acupuncture session on day 28. I go to a local practitioner, Leyna Jensen L.Ac,(she is great and well worth your time if you ever find yourself in Corvallis) who does what is known as CommunityAcupuncture,(the link here is to her page but it does describe the philosophy). This is a great concept for those of us who need help and know acupuncture can be great in healing of all kinds. It cost less. There is a room with numerous lounge chairs. You get your treatment with all the others. I once went to an acupuncturist from and trained in China. It was very difficult for me to understand him but one thing he made clear was American were very soft went it came to acupuncture. His needle hit the mark, which was not always comfortable. In fact, the more of a twinging pain the better the treatment. Man, this guy was good a real miracle worker. The other thing he say was in China when one went to a clinic it was full of people and they all just got treated all in the same room when it was your turn. No individual rooms, incents or astral music, he would say,” Americans Soft”. This is similar to the experience with Lenya minus the painful pokes. The second treatment was focus exclusively on the fast and connecting to one higher power.  Once again, I was pleasant sleepy for the next 2 days and took full advantage. It was raining quite a bit and there are few things nicer than drifting in and out of a restful slumber while listen the quiet blanket of rain surround you.

The next several days breezed by with light occasion work like chopping wood and hauling water. And no this is not some Zen koan but real life and it does make an interesting saying. Then another mistake was spurred on by my hedonistic nature. Unfortunate in this instance, but momentary slightly enjoyable even so, I took part in a toast. I believe Mah-n-Jah (God) gave us a body with sensual pleasure to enjoy and not to label as sins. Why is it all the goodies get labeled sin anyways? So, the sense of taste, the texture of food, the aroma of a feast, the orgasmic explosion of the climax of sensual crescendo at the moment when there is nothing else in the world than what culinary delight is in your mouth, on your tongue and the intense enjoyment of that singular moment. There are few things on this earthly existence that are so blissful, at times even better than making love. That being said, if one indulges each and every night the pleasure lessens over time and pretty soon one is left pursuing the memory rather than the moment. Hedonism is best practiced in temperance, boy if that isn’t an oxymoron, rather than in a daily orgy, which is what I thought I was going to do. I practice my winter celebrations on the Winter Solstice. New Year’s, festival of light, thanking the Sun for his return and showing my appreciation of those who bring light into my life on the Solstice. I got my partner her presents, some puzzles, chocolate (this goes without saying), and the customary new year’s Champagne. I decide, and I do mean decided, given it much thought, consideration and internal debate, to have just a wee-bit of Champagne. I poured about 3 ounces; I drank about two before giving the rest away. Yes, I felt light-headed and woozy but not bad. This was almost instant and that is why I did not finish the small portion. What happen in the next half hour or so I did not expect at all. I felt as if a weight was tied around my ankles and thrown in the river. Sinking into a never end heaviness. It was not an emotional dread but a bodily sensation of being pulled down into the earth and crash landing. Not pleasant at all. The next day I was very light-headed and ended up drinking two electrolyte drinks to just keep my head on straight. I would not recommend this foolhardiness on anyone, even if they did make the decision consciously themselves. Once again, I was faced with just how different this was from cleansing. I was and am gaining much more respect for this process of extended water fasting by each episode encountered. It also got me realizing that breaking this water fast was not going to be an easy affair.

There was one totally unexpected turn of events. After 6 weeks without beer or rich foods of any kind, I got gout. It was insanely painful! It woke me up at night though I did sleep during the day a bit more. It was much more painful at night. It started with about a week to go. I almost gave up the rest of the fast but figured I could endure almost anything for a week. Time at this point in the fast was becoming somewhat surreal with the monotonousness of daily life. Remember this is during covid-19 lock down so I was free to fulfill my days with long hours of meditation combined without eating lead to daily patterns of little exterior stimulation. This period was also consumed with rainy, dark, low clouded days which just added to blurring of time into a book of one repeating page. With the gout I was stunned. I thought I was cleaning myself out so this made no sense. I did some more research and found some studies form the  1920’s (study one) (study two) which both point out that Uric Acid levels in the blood increase during longer fast. It seemed to hit highs at about day 30 and then fluctuated while still remaining high during the remainder of the fast. This corresponded with my experience. Unfortunately, this time period also corresponded with the Christmas holidays. I thought I was doing better, but being in the “I thought” zone I could have very well been lying to myself. At any rate, we went out to do some of our yearly activities which required a good deal of walking. MISTAKE!!! This sent the gout into warp drive. Its pain level went form a good solid 8 to a 15 on the 1-10 pain scale. This lasted about a week and a half, then; it took about another 10 days for the pain to gradually recede. I started drinking Tart Cherry juice and Yogi De-tox tea more which seemed to help, but it was not a night and day difference. It was a long slow slog.

The rest of the fast was somewhat uneventful. I remained tired at times and sleepy at times. Some of the blogs I read said they experience insomnia. That has not been my case at all. I have felt chilled from time to time and have waken because of that but a few blankets was a quick cure to get back to the work at hand, sleep. I did not experience hunger during most of the fast until the end. I do not think it was because my body was saying EAT. I was having more and more light-headedness so maybe my body did need more input but I still have some fat rolling around for it to munch on. I think more the expectation of food created the hunger. The past memory and the desire created is what I was feed on not the true need for food.

The re-eating faze I took with all seriousness. I did a lot of research of differing opinions about how to go about this. One thing all stated was “GO SLOW”.  Admittedly when in my 30’s I would always end a cleansing fast, this is the fast I did at the time, with a pizza and beer. One time after a 10 day fast. My thinking was I just saved so much money not eating I deserved to spend a bit financially and calorically. AAAHHHH, yet another case of gross rationalization. More recently I have ended my cleansing fast with a light salad of lettuce, cucumber and apples. I never fasted beyond 10 days and I was drinking Master cleanse during the fast. I realize about day 25 that breaking this fast was not going to be anywhere the same as the past fast I undertook.

I started to break my fast on the evening of the 40^th day. I fasted for 40 days and 40 nights as the first night I fasted was on the last day I eat food. That night I drank Master Cleanse, about a cup and a half. This took me 3 different serving spaced out about 2 hours a part. That seemed to go well. During this phase I was hyper-vigilant to what my body was telling me. The next day I continued drinking the master cleanse every 2 hours at a rate of about ½ a cup each time. I ended up drinking about 4 cups. This did not make me feel good. I felt my stomach was rejecting the juice. I had a cup of miso about 7pm for dinner, this did go down smoothly and felt very comforting and nourishing. After this I stopped the lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne, to be honest I used very little cayenne as it seemed it might be a little harsh and maybe that still was the problem. For the third day I just had miso. One cup in the morning one at night. I had read over and over if things are not digesting well STEP-BACK. Thing seemed to work with me. From the 4^th day on I started introducing foods each day.

 I was eating very small portions and chewing extra-long. I come from a family with 4 children and the mantra at our table was “you snooze you lose”.  I was the oldest and the most ravenous of eaters. My chewing habits were shit. I ate like a wolf; rip, 2 chews, swallow. So, I was and still am making a very conscious effort to chew slowing and enjoy the favors and texture of the meal. I am finding so far; I am enjoying this quite a bit. As mentioned earlier, I am a heathen when it comes to the sensual pressures of food with the mind set more is better, but I am fined with this trade off to chewing, it is so enjoyable just because of that heathenistic side is soooooo relishing the fulfilling pressure of taste.

Another thing I had let laps for years now was saying a prayer over my food to give thanks. When we had teens in the house the prayer at meal time thing got put on the back burner and was all but forgotten. Our teens were, like most, more consumed with what was going on after the torture of spending ½ an hour eating with their folks than the meal itself. Combine that with the ridicule of “God Pops, why so much God” and it was not worth the fight. I have found with teens the less they have to push on the less push one gets as a parent. All they want is to figure the world out for themselves, which they should. Offering guidance after a fact seems much more taken in than the same suggestion before the fact. Of course, as a parent we all have different comfort levels as to how far we let our children at any age explore for themselves. I am once again experiencing the heartfelt gratitude and quite thankful reverence of honoring the creation and creator of the food and the life given so I may eat. Even if it is salad life was taken for me to survive. Lettuce has as much right to fulfill its destiny from flowering and creating seed as a cow has to reproduce. I am thankful when all in any form give themselves for my benefit.

Day 4 I made veggie broth with lamb stock we made from our own lambs. I mixed ½ broth and ½ water. I eat that and the miso for 2 days. On the morning of the sixth day, I eat the veggies in the stock. It was not very good, mushy with little favor.  For dinner that evening I had raw cucumber and apples with some apple cider vinegar. It was yummy! I had that for the next couple of days. Slowly I add more veggies to the mix and eat this for both breakfast and lunch. Then at day 6 I start with proteins. First goat cheese, then hard-boiled egg, and finally some sheep feta. By day 8 I felt I had run the gambit of foods I need to introduce. We had been through New Year’s eve where I still just eat salad. We had some friends over and I indulged in a few beers. All this had gone quite well and I sure I was ready for the big breaking of the fast- PIZZA AND BEER! Hold on a minute! We make our own pizza with gluten free crust. I usually put pesto, veggies, chicken sausage, with sheep feta and mozzarella. Super tasty. After eating this it felt as if it just sat in my gut for 3 days. It was very uncomfortable. I instantly went back to my salad regime. I have continued to eat mostly salad for the next week or so and strangely enough I am quite satisfied with that. I did try to eat a gluten heavy meal as I hear sometimes long fast can help one get beyond gluten sensitivity. It sure did taste great with a lot on yummmiinnng! Unfortunately, that also did not go well. I think I will try again in the near future but with much less gluten and see what happens. I was given a bunch of jerky from Montana on the eve before I fasted. It was tempted to hold off fasting for a few days to indulge in the treat but I did not. I did go for it about day 14 of eating and that went just fine!

 I have been eating now for 3 weeks and it is going well. I am not drinking anywhere near the beer I was or smoking as much pot as I was. I have limited those activities to once a week without over indulging. I do find that less is more in these cases, which is always hard to remember. The pot definitely has a much more spiritual quality about it when used with reverence and less often. I have regained about 10 lbs. and then have leveled off; which is OK. That has put me at a steady weight loss of 30 lbs., mostly gut fat. I feel the weight gain is mostly water as my main caloric intake is mostly salad.

The last thing I wanted to mention is the main reasons I started the fast did not really materialize during the fast itself. As mentioned in the beginning I was looking for some degree of spiritual clarity and re-connection. I was looking forward to having a clear mind, to meditating unencumbered, and come to some decision about next steps in my life.  This did not happen to the degree I wanted. My mind did not ever feel clear up, but on the contrary, was ever more cluttered. I even hit myself in the head a couple of times, yelling “SHUT UP!”, which worked for a brief period of time. This state did not deepen my connection with Mah-n-Jah (God). My wants, desires and just telling Mah-n-Jah (God) how things should be never has worked out fully for me. With this being true I have never hesitated to expressing fully to my creator my concerns, desire and even gratitudes when they became apparent to me.  I do feel I have benefited spiritually in some ways from the fast. I feel much less angst towards all of creation and myself though at times I still seemed to become overly frustrated with minor things. Patients has never been one of my virtues with the exception of my interaction with my children and all children.

Would I do it again? I am not sure, I feel conflicted. I am not just into doing such things to prove to myself I can overcome bodily desires. I have done enough of that kind of work in my life to know I am strong on that level when I truly want to be. There were some positives though that seem to taking root within my being. I am aware of an energy shift happening inside of me.  I feel there is a seed that was planted within. A seed of something quiet, humble and spiritual expanding. We will see how that seed grows and if I can nurture it to become a magnificent Redwood within.

So, there you have it. The long tell of a very long fast. I hope it is useful. I did not fine a lot of detailed info on such fast on the web and this is the kind of thing I would have want to fine. Good Luck and happy fasting!

Here are some of the site I found useful in researching this fast. I continued to do research throughout the fast as this emerged. As mentioned above I am not endowing any of these website they are here to inform your our decision making process. 

Copyright © 2021 by Joseph and Human Anonymous

Some thoughts on cleansing-
http://www.thenaturalguide.com/detoxification.htm

Studies on Uric Acid in blood and fasting-
https://www.jbc.org/content/66/2/521.full.pdf
https://pmj.bmj.com/content/postgradmedj/45/522/251.full.pdf

A lot of info to think about, this is not a plug for the due running the site, just info -
https://thefastingmethod.com/

I got a lot to think about here, most of it made sense to me, whatever that means-
https://www.fitnessthroughfasting.com/index.html
Braking fast specifically, same site-
https://www.fitnessthroughfasting.com/breaking-a-fast.html

Good Info Health coach angel on risk-
https://www.marksdailyapple.com/long-fasts-worth-the-risk/

Info on liver and kidney during fast with different kinds of fast-
https://www.medicalmedium.com/blog/truth-about-fasting

This is a good Christian prospective on Spiritual fasting, There is a lot of good Christian stuff on this-
https://www.the-grove.net/fasting/40%20day%20Fasting%20Instructions.pdf

Blog Personal Excellence by Celestine Chua I was about to to quit before I found this-

https://personalexcellence.co/blog/fasting-series/

List of reaction one can have during a fast, good info to have-
https://detox.net.au/fasting-cleansing-detoxification-reactions/

Evolving With God

We are all individuals. Each of us sees, hears, senses, feels and interrupts the world from our own unique point of view. We all may taste ice cream and we really do not know how the others taste it. Most of us can agree we like it or even love it but still your tongue is yours and my tongue is mine. The same as cilantro. When my kids were growing up one of them always said he hated cilantro. At the time I thought he was being a teenager and looking for ways to be an individual but a fathers blindness does not change fact. I mean how can anyone not like cilantro it is so yummy especially in salsa.It turns out some peoples taste buds taste the herbal treat like soap. I  now can see how that could be true. While eating cilantro really go deep in the favor and there is a bit of soapiness there. It just so happen with some that little hidden flavor is more pronounced. 

When we get into more complicated experiences the distance between two peoples understanding can be totally different. We all love but what love means is two totally different things to two different people, what love means to 100 different people is 100 different emotions. Someone who grew up rich may think of love as have a monetary value, like gifts, or maybe they are turn off by gifts because that is all they got to express love while growing up and it left them feeling hollow. Someone who grew up in a turbulent home may guard their feelings of love. While one of their siblings may only feel loving after conflict. Yet a third sister or brother may have done tons of counseling and has moved beyond their childhood experience and is loving on a whole different level. The more abstract the subject the more subjectively one’s reality.  The more personal the concept the more individually complicated the feelings and understandings that are invoked.

There are many subjects that people shy away from; not wanting to look inside themselves. Most of us do not really try to understand how we relate mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically to ourselves. It is easier to buy into someone else concept; it is less risky. This is especially true when it comes too spiritually. To really look inside and try to fine one’s own God can shake someone to the core as most of us have been taught to accept and not question what others have come up with in the past. It is so expected to ignore one’s truth in these matters that there is a word that people use to hide in and escape introspection. That word is religion. The box of religion has been at work for thousands of years to stop the questioning of one’s true nature in the universe. Whether it Christian, Islam, Buddhist, Hindu or any other title, the label is on a box that tells people what to think. The tactics of religion have become so finely tuned at manipulating the mind that those strategies are now also used to control large segments of the population. There are many other labels now people can wear to stop thinking about all kinds of things. Labels like democracy, communism, democrat, republican, socialist, capitalist all come with their own tidy box so one can crawl inside and just relax, stop thinking and follow the ideas of another. The unfortunate thing is once in the tidiness of a box they become attached to it and feel the need to control others. The us and them mentality settles in and strife ensues. When one tries to leave a box the others in the box become enrage and threatened. This makes no sense, but being attached to someone else’s ideas to the point of war makes no sense either. If one leaves the box or just refuses to get in, the inhabitants in the box label those outside. Terms like heretic or traitor labels the person, while heresy, treason or blasphemy labels their actions. All this animosity towards someone who really only wants to be true to themselves, faithful to their heart, and pure in their mind. One would think it must get crowded in those boxes and to let some leave would only let a little light in and give some breathing room.

When it comes to religion the rules are all written down. It is hoped by the leaders that all the questions one has are answered. When they are not the answers become more vague. Answers like “all you need is faith” which throws the quandary back at the asker with a bit of guilt added just to assure them that if the where a good ( add mindless label here) they would not let their minds wander to such places. I am a believer in faith but not mindless faith. I feel we all need it to make one’s way through a life. Unfortunately, life is at times beyond one’s ability to fully comprehend all the whys and wherefore of every  situation. The faith I believe in is between me and my God/Goddess, Mah-n-Jah, not hanging on someone else’s words. True faith has little to do with a God or a leader’s twisted manipulations towards conformity. True faith is based in self-esteem. I have faith in myself, the abilities that my creator endowed in me, and my ability to make it through an experience to the other side. I had an aunt who lost her husband,then 3 of her sons, and then a daughter to Huntington's Chorea. Most of us would be devastated, angry at Mah-n-Jah (God), resentful towards life, including myself. There would be a long road in therapy if one was even internally strong enough to face their inner demons.  My aunt though just keep moving with life, of course she had ups and downs like all of us do, but no lasting grief, depression or rage. Her motto was, "God would only give me what I can carry" Her inner strength was incredible. She believed in her own ability to walk through the fire. Her healthy self esteem let her see her own strength. Then she put her praise in her own understanding of what her creator had given her to endure. It is with this healthy self-esteem that one can let God into one’s life to guide them.  The stronger one is within themselves the more one can let the divine plan flow through them. It is when one is not strong that the ego needs reassurance to move forward. Every time ego needs some energy it is less energy for God to work with or less God can come through us. In all truth Faith is the giving of the ego over to one's own  Goddess/God which mean one needs an ego to give away. One needs the incredible inner strength to believe they no longer need the false support of the ego. It is in that ego-less strength Mah-n-Jah (God) can enter.  When one blindly follows another’s teaching, they need to give up the teaching’s ego before they can even address their own.

When spiritually becomes a doctrine, it is no longer spiritual it is religion. It is to be followed. It ceases to evolve. The concepts are lost in a former time. As a Human Being I know throughout a life time we need to evolve. We can not be who we were when we were 10 nor can we freeze our thoughts, feelings, realizations at 30, 40, 50 or ever. This would be a death to the spirit and soul though many walk through life encased in that death. This is also true of one’s relations with their creator. If I still pray as I did when I was 20 or 50, I would be sorely disappointed in myself, but that is just me.  If my faith and my understanding of my ego still was still were it was 5 years ago, I would feel my God/Goddess, Mah-n-Jah, had somehow forsaken me, but, once again, that is me. As we evolve as a race, as a planet, as individuals, our spirituality must change; therefore, our relationship with Mah-n-Jah (Goddess/God). This is so apparent in today’s world were many religious boxes are becoming more and more obsolete by insisting that their doctrines are set in stone. One can see this obsolescence just by looking at the number of people no longer willing to enter or stay within the religion boxes they grew up with.  Some will leave one box just to enter another. There are many “Spiritual” paths out there that are just as laden with rules as the boxes that were left behind. Evolution, whether physical or spiritual does not conform to rules or boxes it is random, free flowing, and often surprising.  One cannot evolve through box hoping, moving from one set of principles to the next. This can provide comfort and a sense of belonging but in the end, one will need to move beyond all boxes to evolving to find their own God.

It seems an over simplification of God to assume that She/He does not evolve and grow into an ever-expanding energy. Why would a God or Goddess be satisfied with the being they were even just a minute ago? It may be a bit anthropomorphistic, as the human being I am, to suppose God desires growth, as all energies do, but it does seem likely. Growth is not the right word here as it comes with its own sets of meanings which are more than likely meaningless to evolution. The word that best suits this evolution is simply change. How are we to judge if change is growth or not? This is not an evaluation of a being whom lives a mere 100 years is in the position to judge. So, as we change, as Goddess/God changes, it only makes sense the relationship we share must also change. Anyone who has been married for a while knows change within a relationship is inevitable. The relationship itself promotes change as we see more and more of ourselves and the other; as we know each other on a deeper level. This is only healthy. A relationship that does not change will gradually become stale and die. Piece of the people involved will die. Love can not live in a box it needs to flow. This is true whether the relationship is with a human or with Mah-n-Jah (God).

As I evolve, as you evolve, as God evolves there is really no way another can tell any of us how or what our relationships can be. Just as there are an overabundance of books telling one how to have the perfect marriage or relationship there is an overabundance of opinions about how one is supposed to relate to Goddess/God. There is no book that is a cure all for human relationships. There also is no book, idea, concept or any belief system from someone else that can tell you how you should relate to your God. One is not having a relationship with God but with THIER God.  The main way to have a good human relationship is to be honest with yourself and the other. All the books may point us to that honesty but it comes from within. Self-honesty is forever changing, our partner's self-honesty is forever changing, the relationships’ honesty is forever changing. Books can point one in the direction to look at aspects of them self; to help create more honesty and they can not make one more honest. The same is true with one’s relationship with their God.

Just as I can not tell 100% what ice cream taste like to another, I can not tell how another’s relationship with God is to be and grow or change. Just as love has as many feelings, thoughts, expectations, manifestations and ways of being as there are humans on the planet, there are that many ways to be with Mah-n-Jah, your Goddess, your God. No one has the right to tell another how to evolve just as no one has the right to dictate how another’s deeper understanding of themselves is reflected within their spirituality. Our spirituality is ours alone just as our God is ours alone. If anyone tells you different I suggest answering “My life- My God”. Of course, this is only a suggestion may you find your own words.


Copyright © 2020 by Joseph and Human Anonymous

Holiday Traditions of Love

Yet another N.Y. Time submission and yet another unprinted blurb. Maybe I need to change my name to that of some Hollywood actor, they seem to make the cut. 

The holidays are upon us which means traditions. The traditions associated with this time of year, many times, carry heavy emotional attachments. Not all of the emotions are positive no matter what the newest Nexflix or Halmark movies are trying to feed us. Likewise many of the emotions that are positive stem from the past when we were the center of attention for a day and the world seemed to magically manifest toys, food and cheer just because we were alive. There are few things as heartwarming to watch than a child opening a present and seeing the reaction of surprise, joy, and elation wash over them. Often the younger the child the more purely authentic and consuming their reaction; as their expectations and desires are so much less. Without the expectation the little things can touch us deeper.

No matter ones faith or lack of faith this time of year brings up emotions. Even atheist, if they look, may find similar emotional patterns coming up year after year. Though granted it, their emotions may be more deeply aliened with being true to their own beliefs during the cultural onslaught they face. It is hard to impossible to fully capture the feeling of the past. Sometimes one succeeds or surpasses their emotional expectations during the holiday; sometimes. Feelings and emotions during the holidays often become more habitual over time. The words, traditions and habits are synonyms though “tradition” is most glorified. One wants to engage in traditional holiday cheer not habitual holiday cheer. “Habitual holiday cheer” somehow sounds additive. As a culture it is OK for one to work on their habits to change them but not so with traditions. New traditions can be formed and the old ones must not be forgotten. Whether one wants to hang the sign on tradition or habits the fact is both over time become out dated and a new way must emerge.  When one is dealing with habits of the heart they die hard.

This essay could start looking like the annual tradition of the non-commercial Christmas op-ed but it is not. I can not judge someone who works hard and deals with the emotional stress of our society wanting to find places in the year to momentarily forget the hecticness and relax. Nor can I judge the joy of a child or the parent that wants to bring joy. Any day one chooses to show the ones they love that love, in any form, is a good day. Having days when the whole heart is allowed to speak is an exceptionally good day.

The holiday season is a time of love and hope. The love part is more emphasize earlier on in the week leading to hope at New Years. It is through love one often finds hope. This is true for all times of the year. I have found recently more and more of my friends, colleagues and neighbors have become less hopeful. Humans do continue to love which waters a lot of different seeds, like happiness, but why is hope not growing so well?  Maybe it is time to re-examine how we manifest love towards others; how we show love is a cultural expression which changes over time. This can happen slow or fast. It was a short time ago that society only allow males and females to marry each other and public declare their love. Now that idea seems outdated to a majority Americans (gallup poll). Things have change. When it comes to deep seat traditions these changes are often slow to be addressed. It may be easier to change traditional emotions and their manifestations by looking at how one uses these emotions habitually at certain times of the year. There are ways to change and evolve our perspective on how we manifest love that can indeed lead to a more hopeful future.

Love is a long term prospect. Sure it is caring for someone in the here and now and there also a component of goodwill for that person into the future. It is probably easier to love in the here and now, as often there is the reward of the love being returned immediately. To project love for another into the future comes with little reward from the outside world. An example of this would be how we love our children. Often a parent does things for their children in the moment that manifest outcomes in the future, like letting them know they are loved. By telling children they are love it does feel go in the moment but for the child  the deeper reward is their self image in the future. A child who know he/she is loved by the parent love themselves more deeply in the future and in is obvious that creates better outcomes in life.  It does give one a warm heart, knowing one can love without reward is reward enough. This is the exact place one can start to explore new ways of expressing love this be especially true during the holiday season.

I realize we live in a time of instant gratification and the joy of sharing gifts falls into the quick fix of emotional rewards. Though heartwarming and cozy inside the feelings last only a few seconds after the gift is unwrapped. There may be some residual pleasure watching another using your gifts, there may not. Then there is the thank you; yet another reward. Yes we give for the other and yes we give for ourselves. With the state of climate change there is a gift that will be only for the other and that is a future. By giving less I will be giving more. This is especially true for children. This is true all year and more so when cultural traditions dictate otherwise.

It hurts my heart when I hear 24.3 billion dollars were spent from black Friday through Cyber Monday this year, 2019 (Digital Commerce).  I love children, all children. I want them to be happy. I wish their parent happiness and I realize we have been taught this is the way to express love, but is it really? All the plastic, fuel, paper-carbon that was sent into the air for a few moments of joy sadden me when I think of those children’s future and their children’s future. The pain in my chest wants to grow into anger and judgment, but how can I let it? Everyone is giving out of love; it is just misguided. It is tragic to the point of tears seeing love condemned the future.

I, in no way, am advocating to stop giving gifts but maybe less, maybe greener, maybe giving the experiences of spending time together.  In this age we need to redefine many things and many ways of being. What was once a gift could now be a death sentences. If we all just start taking a minute to ask ourselves before we act, “is this REALLY loving for my children and their children and their children?” This does not just go for the holidays and if this is the season of love on earth there is no better place to start. It may feel as if we are suffering on some level to start embracing this heartfelt reality. On some level, in the present moment, it seems like less. No one wants to suffer over the holidays. There is a quiet peaceful still joy, an embracing of hope, that this gift of a future will give to you and your lovers, friends, children and even the earth itself if you let it in without the ideas of tradition of the past.  Suffering with love is not a loss but the gift.

True Community

I worked at San Geronimo Valley Community Center (SGVCC-https://www.sgvcc.org/) from 10/2007 until 8/2013. It was a great experience! During that tenure the" Great Recession" hit and I became the Human Services Director. They have a quarterly newsletter- Stone Soup- which is mailed to everyone in the Valley. This is the article I wrote for the Spring 2011 issue. Enjoy-

We are in a process of breaking down out dated believes and systems. There is always a choice whether that breaking down is painful because we were in denial that a situation we were involved in was falling apart or if by conscious design we navigate the challenges we find ourselves in. No matter how you cut it a birth of a new paradigm is difficult; the degree of that difficulty can be seen around us. One thing the economic crisis has shown us is we cannot depend on large faceless entities like corporations, banks, or governments to take care of us.   Words, promises, even tax laws that were voted for and were set in stone (such as the cigarette tax support First 5) mean little to nothing when the economy tanked.    The old American concept of “Bigger is Better” has fallen on its face.

There is an older American tradition that could be a phoenix in this situation. That is the tradition of sticking together, of helping your neighbor; that is the tradition of community. There are places were this tradition never died such as Amish communities. I have lived and worked with and around Amish communities and their degree cooperation, cohesion, and sustaining each other is beyond most comprehension.  There were many commune started in the sixties that tried to embrace the spirit of community. Some succeeded and really none failed, just in the act of trying they succeeded. These communities took many forms, spiritual, hippy, back to the earth, art colonies and the list goes on. I live in a spiritual communities and again the love and support I experiences was beyond believe.

I moved to Eureka Montana in the early nineties with a goal to start a commune. We had 20 acre and three families living on it. We were a big extended family of 13 members all in the same soup, all believing in what we were doing. As with many families we had our dysfunction but in the long run it brought us closer.  The town of Eureka itself at that time was a magical place. There was a strong community of woods hippies and we all functioned like an Amish community. We help each other build homes, harvest crops, shared home when the temperature dripped to -30 to save and share fuel, we lived as one. There were elders who brought wisdom and all brought wisdom. Much in the Jerry Garcia tradition none would accept a title of leadership and with the Anarchist philosophy most of us embraced none would bestow such a title. There was respect instead of hierarchy.

These times have showed me that deep caring community is not only possible but essential for human to survive. Community does not come from big government, security does not come from money in big banks; happiness, trust in life, peace in one’s mind does not come from the new biggest thing form big corporations. No one leader can save us.  All things that highlight the highest human potential come from community. It is the knowing, opening, and share of all things human that community gives us the canvas to explore. The bigness that America has become give us only uniformity, conformity and a sterile environment where the true human in our light and dark fades and dies.

Community is not based in organizations or institutions it is based in the heart. Where the social support system set in place by big government have pulled back funding when those in need needed it most our Valley has increased its donations locally.  This is not to say the individuals working in government lack heart, as many are quit empathic but that the people who feel and see their neighbor’s difficulties step forward to make a difference.  Neighbors supporting neighbors is where the future lays. Whether someone is giving time, thoughts, prayers or money it is the giving of self that is the start of community. It is the giving of self where humans find their highest potential.

The Valley has the heart and desire to form community. Many who move here are stuck by the sense of community they feel. Still I would like to challenge all of us to really looking inside ourselves to see how we can deepen our bond with our neighbors. Many times hardship brings out the best part in ourselves; which is desires to help and how can we help when things seem good. If you were a senior living the Valley what kind of support would you want from your community? If you were a parent what kind of community would you want your children to be surrounded by?  If you just got diagnoses with a disease or a hardship happened in your family why role would your neighbors play? If you are having a great day how do you share that with your neighbors? When you feel abundance, security, or at peace with yourself how do spread that throughout the Valley? This Valley has made great strides in building a community mostly unseen in present day America and would it not be great to go deeper? The next steps to create a more meaningful community do not lie in all the great strides the Valley has made towards community but rather in the steps that have not been taking yet.  Let’s take those steps! Let’s continue to move away from the illusion of security offered by big faceless institutions and embrace what is real- our neighbors, our Valley, our community.

Copyright © 2019 by Joseph and Human Anonymous
First published 2011 in Stone Soup

A Sad Day For Humanity

This is an op-ed submitted to the N.Y. Times in 3/2019. It was not accepted. To bad it is something people need to hear.

“There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.”
Nelson Mandela

What a sad day for the human race! On March 15, 2019 children walked out of schools across the world to protest adults’ inactivity towards climate change. They are demanding that we adults do what we should already be doing naturally, protecting our young. We are now one of the few more evolved(?) species on the planet who seem to being putting our own selfish interest in front of the care of our children.  Grizzly bears, wolfs, as well as most other mammals, many birds and even some fish will sacrifice their own life’s to protect their young from dangers. It is as if humanity is de-evolving.

On the NPR reporting on the subject (March 15, 2019, All Things Considered) it was mentioned that some had problems with children missing school for political protest. Here in lays one of the many obstacles that are plaguing the adults into inactivity and abandoning their duty to children globally. Is a hurricane political? Is a tornado? What political party does a drought belong too? There is nothing political about forces of nature or the devastation they can create. In fact after such calamities most involved at the ground level forget about the abstract world of politics and band together to help each other as humans. The responses of government may become political but the actual natural events themselves can not be political. Adult humans in this day and age seem to be able to label and or make anything political.

There are some who think that climate change is a political issue so let’s take the whole “climate change” idea out of the conversation for a minute. With or without climate change polluting the planet is not in the best interest of our children. When agriculture chemicals are creating algae blooms and poisoning drinking water or are sterilizing the soils so that future generations can not farm, we are not protecting our children. When petrochemicals are burned polluting the air, spilled killing oceans and land, or drilled contaminating ground water, we are not caring for our children. When burning coal makes air so polluted that in India and China people need to wear mask just to breath, we are not providing for our children. When strip mining in removing whole mountains and poisoning water and land, we are no longer nurturing our children. When adults condone clear cutting forest therefore eliminating the filter systems that clean air and create oxygen all future generations to breath, not to mention just the appalling prospect that at some time in the future our offspring may not get to see an old growth forest, we are not cherishing our children. When there is an extinction under way, today, and there is more focused on loud mouthed political figures than trying to save the planets animal and plant creations we are abandoning our children’s future. We are on the threshold of losing our humanity and the one of the most precious instincts we have, lovingly nurturing our young.

Whether one wants to call it climate change or pollution or global warming or ecosystem devastation it makes no difference, it is not about politics. This is an issue of whether we as adults of the human race are going to be true mothers and fathers to our children or not. Are we, as the care takers of the next generation, going to love our children enough to give them a world better than we found it or not? Our childern's childern's children are depending on us adults, in the present moment, to start this healing process.  One can make list about banning poisonous agriculture chemicals or halting all petrochemical  extraction and infrastructure projects but this is not about to do lists, this is about our heart. It is about love and respect for those who we care about most. It is about caring and care taking of those we bring into this world. It is about protecting our children from the mess we played a hand in creating. It is about loving our children, period.

These students are shaming us adult, rightfully so! This is not only a wake-up call it is an embarrassment that things have gotten to the point where the young need to demand for their parents to protect them.  It should be a given, as it is with most mammals, that we would do whatever it take to ensure the survival of our off spring. We are humans; we should start acting as such and love our children into the future.

My hat is off to these brave youths and my heart cries for them to finally be heard. As adults it is time for us to change what we are doing for them and their children. It may cause some hardship and be difficult in the extreme. We are adults and adults should bear those burdens for their children. Suffering with love is no longer suffering but a gift. It is time we give a gift to our children and not just words.

Joseph
Father,
Small Farm Organic Farmer,
Bellfountain, Or.

Copyright © 2019 by Joseph and Human Anonymous

Hard Climate Change Facts

This is an op-ed submitted to the N.Y. Times in 12/2018. Not surprising it was not accepted. It is very direct and something most people refuse to fully grasp. De Nile is a beautiful river and the consequences just keep flowing whether one wants to see them or not.

I have had it with this whole climate charge debate! It is dire and is just getting worst; still no real charge is happening. CO2 levels are increasing, ocean levels rising and the oceans temperature is rising with it. There is a mass extinction happening and somehow, we feel we are immune. It is guilt producing. Looking at our kids and grand-kids how can it be anything but when the realization is we are killing their plant. It does not seem like there is enough that the average individual can do to stop the momentum. We can recycle, turn down thermostats, reduce electric consumption, stop using plastic bags, and placate our guilt for the time being. Still the news keeps coming- more needs to happen.

We are addicted to this society of convenience and carbon. It gives us what we need, food, clothing, shelter. What more do we need? Throw in mind distractions like, internet, smart phones, Facebook, and TV to forget the guilt. Yet, through it all, the news keeps coming and the guilt re-emerges.

Food is the main culprit. We have learned to get food not produce it. It is called produce because one needs to work to make it happen. We go to the food store and there it magical is. Whether that food is Coco Puffs or organic carrots it is all based on us buying into the carbon system that created it. The US government realized the power of food in the “Indian Wars”. Kill the Buffalo and the natives fall into line, more accurately food lines, depended and well behaved. The corporations of today, who are the real unelected governing body of our country, get it. Control the food and no one fights back to hard.

What do we as a society do to get food? Drive our cars to work, many with one person in them, therefore buy gas. Work jobs that mostly support on some level the society which is killing itself. I have worked for non-profits and guess what they need money to operate. They seek donations and the biggest donations come from those entrenched in the societal structure that are killing what the non-profit is working to alleviate. There is no job that on some level does not add, no matter how little, to the down fall we ignore before us. Every dollar made or spent on some level contribute to the down fall of the planet. The food we are offered to buy is grown, packaged and shipped with carbon. If one is rich enough, they can buy “Organic” food and easy their conscious a bit, the poor have no choose it is full on carbon food. I cynical laugh at seeing that organic food packaged in plastic, is the plastic organic? This brings up the plastic delusion. Plastic creates carbon. If plastic is put in everything then everyone buys it. How convenient for the plastic companies and inconvenient for our poor Earth. I saw plastic on metal paper clip the other day, why? In my compost some how a “paper” soda cup ended up. When I found it the paper was gone, what was left was a plastic coating with logo readable. There is hardly a product anyone can buy any more without plastic, therefore carbon, in it.

Take a slow and concentrate look at our everyday life’s. It is depressing, everyone of us is contributing to climate disintegration. What choose we really have? If one wants to eat one needs to contribute to climate destruction. Some more, some less, but contributing all the same.

We need revolutionary changes not incremental! Our elected official have no balls! I wrote my Oregon senators last winter about fertilizers and the algae blooms they create. I explicitly said “Are you brave enough to outlaw things that are killing our planet?” Both replied, and I paraphrase, “We are looking into it.” This Spring Oregon’s capitol’s drinking water was unsafe to drink. Why- Algae blooms!  Their looking into to it is not stopping the problem. Their courage is minimal. Who has the ball, male or female to stop this?

As I stated I am tired of the talk that goes nowhere. I am tire of seeing news over and over again of the impending doom that await my children! I am guilt ridden that my choose is not if I kill the planet but how fast. I am angered to the point of tears, (truly ask my wife) that I have no choose but to harm my grand-kids. If I want to eat, I need to play the destructive game.

We as a race we need to reassess our relation to Mother Earth. It is time to stop tell her how we want things to be and start listening how she needs things to be to survive. From there we can make long term plans how to dismantle our current dilemma and start working with within her natural laws. More importantly we need strong brave individuals RIGHT NOW! People who will stand against this cooperate money monarchy to create change- NOW! Thing like outlawing the production of gas-powered cars. Outlawing chemicals that kill. Outlawing plastics made with petroleum. Maybe buy a few less fighter jets at $80 million apiece and use the money for solar panels for individual homes. Make all new home energy neutral. Eliminate the insane idea and any laws suggesting that corporations are individuals or have rights as individuals. Even with these suggestions this is only a start. The whole social structure that produces these items needs to be re-examined. An electric car is still made with tons of chemicals, needs toxic battery, needs materials gained through strip mining, uses plastic. You get the idea.

 Such suggestions many will think impossible. Have we no faith in humanity? The first oil well was drilled in 1859 while the first car was made in 1885 and though we were already creating carbon before this with coal this is truly the beginning of our modern way of being. In just 160 years our society has created were we are today with little technology to begin with. Today we sit on a plethora of technological options at our finger tips to explore a petroleum free way of existing. We just need to move beyond our fears and the cooperate greed that keeps us entrenched.

None of this is hard, we just need to do it! We may feel like this will create some form of suffering. It may for the average citizen for a short period of time. It definitely will for cooperate America. Who owns the future? I want a choice that is not wrapped in guilt! When I think of the love I have for my kids and coming grand-kids, great-grand-kid, and on, I will sign up to suffers. Suffering done with love is not suffering at all but a gift.

Copyright © 2019 by Joseph and Human Anonymous

Plight of Human Services Workers

I worked at San Geronimo Valley Community Center (SGVCC-https://www.sgvcc.org/) from 10/2007 until 8/2013. It was a great experience! During that tenure the" Great Recession" hit and I became the Human Services Director. They have a quarterly newsletter- Stone Soup- which is mailed to everyone in the Valley. This is the article I wrote for the Spring 2013 issue. Enjoy-

There is a window from which only I can see. It looks out onto the world hidden from view. It is not clear, in fact, it is quite dirty- littered from a world which only I can know. The foggy glass is affected by the good, bad, and indifferent, by the remembered and the forgotten, by that which excites and that which is boredom. This is my mind and it always stands between me and reality. I realize what is real for me is not real for another and neither of us sees the real truth but our own version of it. Even the higher emotional states, like empathy, are clouded. I can empathize because I have felt pain and loss, but went I do it is my pain and loss I re-feel and not the other’s I am reaching out to. Do I feel love like all others? NO, I probably feel love closest to how my brothers and sister feel love because we were raised most similarly to each other. Still there are things my sister experienced which I did not. That taught her what love was, which I missed. I can empathize with others because we share the experience of love and I can never know the full depths of another love nor they of mine. Such is the isolated existence of life.

Some might look on this as being lost in space with no one who truly understands them. This, of course, is an option, which generally leads to some kind of despair. I choose another option, which is to validate that I am unique in my experience. This does not mean I am special like a princess or prince or any other label of superiority I can choose to hang on myself; just different. My mind, like all minds, at times wants to be special and will find ways I am somehow better than xyz. My mind, at times, also wants to perceive how I am less than or inferior to others. Then there are the times my mind wants to be both at the same time, which is true agony.  But no matter which way those voices in my head are shouting their dis-information, the closest thing to the truth is I just am, no bigger or smaller. I feel joy, sorrow, gratitude and loss similar to others, I see what others see, I experience what others have experienced and because of that I can relate, but I can never truly know without doubt what is totally going on with another. Somehow I find comfort in that. It is because of this uniqueness we can help others to see different ways of being and offer true advice and solutions that they may not be able to see. It is because of this that we as a species evolved socially.

Working in Human Services we need to be aware that we perceive the world from our own view point. Human Service can be a very tricky business. Just by the nature of it one is interfering in another’s life. I am not saying interfere as a good or bad thing just that one is getting involved with others lives. A lot of the time these involvements have to do with very primal issues like food, safety, housing, or isolation.  This can bring up all kinds of emotions for all involved. I know the first few times I used a food bank I felt defeated, embarrassed, guilty and just a loser in general. The people serving me were very enthusiastic about serving people. I came off as timid, maybe rude and aloof, and controlling of the intake process. None of this had to do with the people I was dealing with.  I now know it can be hard as a provider not to take others behavior personally.  As a provider it is helpful to realize I cannot know the full scope of emotions someone brings to a situation therefore I do not need to take it personally.

When we look at providing or expanding programming it is also helpful to be aware of the fact I cannot fully know another. As Human Service workers we plan programs to help others. My perception of what help is, is mine, and may not be true except in the recesses of my own mind. One must reach out to the population they serve to truly find out what their needs are and how they want to get those needs fulfilled. We recently started a Senior Council to direct Senior Programming. How can I as a 48-year-old know what people 68 need? I can read a book, talk to others, or have a survey and still it is in my head. I interpret the information from my 48 years of experience. Some things are better left to those who truly understand.

The food pantry is a simple and potent example of this. We, at the Community Center, have always let our Food Pantry neighbors pick their own food. When I got here I could see no other way of doing it. It just made sense to me that people know what they eat so they should get their own food. Also all the food banks I have ever used were this way so I never knew of another way. It did turn out that other pantries were actually handing out bags of packed food to their clients. These other pantries were not doing anything good or bad just what they thought worked best. As a former and maybe future food bank client I would have been a bit upset if I had no say to what I got to bring home. What if I had allergies or hated canned green beans? Since the San Francisco Food Bank has merged with the Marin Food Bank all the pantries are going to a self serve model. We could get all self righteous that we were doing it right all along but the reality is we did not see another way of doing it in our situation just as the other food pantries did not see another way. There was no right or wrong, just food pantries giving out food as they thought best. It is the client though who truly knew how they wanted to be served and when asked they have chosen for choice.

Only those who we serve can tell us how they need to be served. It gets more challenging because they all need to be served according to their own needs. Of course we cannot serve everyone individually and we can do our best to find a middle path. First we have to connect to those we serve and ask “How do you want to be served?” to find out what that path is. At times I have noticed with Human Service workers the tendency to believe they know what is best for their clients, which only leads to justifiable resentment on the part of the one being served. No one wants to be told they need to eat canned green beans even if they like them.  It is humility to accept that we do not know something and that brings us closer to knowing. It is an interesting road to lead with humility, as our society sees that as an oxymoron and we are not taught such things.  Or we can just listen to the wisdom of the Grateful Dead- “You who choose to lead must follow”.

Copyright © 2019 by Joseph and Human Anonymous
First published 2013 in Stone Soup

A Mother Cries "Why"

These maybe the last words that I write or they may be the beginning of a thread of yard that unfurls itself around the world hugging her in respect and loving warmth that all Mothers deserve. Unfortunately just because something is deserved does not mean it is given; likewise all that is given is not deserved. Without receiving, the Mother gives. She has no choice. There is no conscious thought. It is just what she has done for millennia. It is ingrained in Her being, Her spirit, Her soul. It is what all mothers do. If we were to listen, still, quiet, open to receive the subtleness  of her voice we would hear Her. If we were to listen, intently, without judgment of our self and what is real or not real, we would hear Her other children, our brothers and sisters.

I hear them. It is not the words our ears can hear but vibrations, scents, stirrings, wisp from nothingness to those who walk about desiring to know Her purpose. There is no purpose here, just giving. Giving food. Giving air.  Giving body, flesh and wood. Giving without knowing. Giving Life! And I will tell you some of what they say. I will tell you of pain and confusion, of a brake in the trust of the natural law. Not human law, which accounts for nothing where I stand. Not of transitory truth but of the truth and law of the only reality that exist on this planet- the Mother’s law, the earth’s natural law. What is the translation if one were to listen and hear the whisperings of our brothers and sisters, of our loving Mother?

“Why?”

The one thing they want to know is what we, as humans, want to know, “Why?”.  Maybe we are related. Maybe it is the first thing all beings in the universe and even the universe itself ask when injustice rains down upon them. “Why?” This is not a longing “Why” one asks after a breakup. It is not the scientific “Why” a scientist ask who’s only pain is the ego’s not knowing. It is the “Why” of innocents and confusion a child would ask in shocked pain when the world suddenly without a reason their mind can grasp is ripped apart in front of them. It is a tearful questioning beyond acceptability.

The only reason we have stopped asking for the “why” our Mother and her offspring are inquiring about is we have forgotten how to listen to what is going on in reality. We listen only to what we feel is real. It is the feeling and thought that some being is not a being, is inanimate that makes it silent. Just because one is not heard does not mean there is nothing being said. We think we have parted ways with our brothers and sisters and can be sinfully to our Mother.  But we can not. No matter how long it has been since we remembered ourselves as brothers and sisters to all the living beings that surrounding us. No matter how hard we try to see ourselves as separate, beyond, in control, and, forgive us for even thinking it- superior, we can not escape the fundamental truth of our existence. We are from and of the earth. We are the children of our Mother.  And as with all Mothers she deserves our respect!

“Why?’ she want to know. “Why?” trees ask each other in their secret society. “Why?” the birds flying form pole to pole ask all other birds as they pass on their journeys. “Why?” the belly walkers, the croakers, the shelled ones, the water peoples, the haired ones as great elephants and as small the Bumblebee Bat, ask. “Why?” Our race, the two legged are they only one who are not asking in mass. Are we, the ones who feel somehow above all else, the ones of intellect and mind, the only ones who can not see? It is hard to admit when to oneself when they are the injustice.

“Why?” The Mother and her never ending creation want to know. “Why are you doing these things to us to kill us?” “Why do you think you know?” “Why, have we not given you life, is not all you need here from our making?” “Why do you shit in your own house?” “Why are you the only ones who crave suicide?”

There are no answers, there does not need to be. There are only repercussions.  As we have done to others we are now doing to ourselves. The sin is not in the doing; it is in the knowing and continuing to do. The sin is not upon the other, as with all sin it is upon the sinner. The sinners are the ones who can not hide form their acts, their mind, their knowing and the inner torture that is their truth. They are the ones who must look reality squarely, look at themselves, live in the shame and guilt, answer to their children. What harsher sentence is there ever going to be than to explain “Why?” to our children and grand children.  When we finally realize we did not know how to love our Mother earth we will also realize the devastating truth that we did not know how to love our children. There is no pain that is deeper than that.

Let us take a moment to reflect where we are and how we got here. Let us unpack how we have fooled ourselves so we can make amends. Let us give thanks and praises to the Mother in all her glory. It is with gratitude and love that the changes will start. It is with dedication and perseverance we must walk. One must become a warrior for our Mother and give her the voice that others can not hear.  We need to look at one self and ask “Why?” and live by the truth of our answer. Let us look at our greed, lack of knowledge, our control, the refusal to admit wrong, our endless want of more, more , more, and let us find the love inside us to forgive ourselves. There may be sacrifice but sacrifice with love is a gift. A gift for our children. A gift for our brothers and sisters. A gift for and to our Mother.

Mostly the gift will be to oneself. Being able to speak with and teach our children so they will hopeful not fall victim to themselves as we did. They will be able to look themselves in the eye knowing they are no longer the sin. There is no better gift to one’s self then to be truthful with yourself and your children.  Humbly honor ourselves because our words and thoughts, our knowing, was and are backed by action.  Love ourselves, for in the end the love we give to our Mother is always the love we give ourselves.

Copyright © 2019 by Joseph and Human Anonymous

Why Human Anonymous?

We are all human. We are all beings whether we are human or not. We all have energy which means on some level we all giving off energy, all radioactive. This is true if one is a rock, a pond, fish, winged, four legged, two legged, tree, vegetable, blade of grass on and on. All giving off energy all receiving energy, interacting. Through Mah-n-Jah, Goddess, the Creator, God, the Gods, however one wants to see, relate, and name the force, energy and spirit of existences we all have been given the opportunity existence by that  living spark to be here now on this Earth planet. We are all related if by nothing more than time and space. We are related by the natural laws governing this time and place. We are related through atoms and molecules and the interaction they share with each other, through energetic being. Just as in a human family tree, some of our relative are closer such as an auntie or parent and others are more removed such as are our great grand niece whom we have never met. Many of our relative share DNA, the same DNA as the human being just arranged differently. It always amazes me that just 4 nucleic acids can arrange themselves in different patterns to make me and the trees and the worms, 4 elements and  millions of "living" wonders fill this planet. Related through energy, atoms, molecules,  DNA and the creative spark of Mah-n-Jah's touch.

Human Beings is our clan. Each and every clan plays a roll in Mah-n-Jah's (God) playground. We all are important as a clan; we all border on insignificance as an individual. Though we all contribute to the clan, all play a roll in manifesting the clans energetic patterns, it is the whole of this energy that makes up a clan. So many of us know the clan of human being is destroying our precious home, our Mother, Earth. On a conscious knowing level most our clan agrees on this and yet some do not. With both believers and non believe our clan acts. It make no difference if one believes or not the individuals have little importance; it is the action of the clan that carry's the future. Some individuals do little or nothing to help heal our Mother, some individuals do what is convenient, some individuals suffer and sacrifice daily to respect our Mother and stop the harm. In the end all these individuals add to the manifestation of how the Human Clan walks it path on this Earth and in the end it is the manifestation itself that is important. It is the "how we are together" that creates the cause and effect not the "who we are". Sure any individual can set in motion actions that lead to change for good or bad within the Human Clan but the individual themselves can not create the change. The rest of the Human Clan needs to embrace that change and manifest it on the level of being. There are many movements with leaders and those leaders are not there except by the grace of the followers.

From Mother Earths perspective whether we live or not is a clan question, not an individual question. We as individuals do contribute to the clan's manifestation and we have the responsibility to contribute to the preservation of the clans future. Our children and their children are counting on us. Yet we are anonymous. I realize in Western Culture or what I prefer to call just "white man culture", (as it is the white men of history who collectively lead the Human Clan to the present day misguided manifestation), does not embrace the anonymous concept. We have been taught, or is that brainwashed, to believe that the individual is important. We suffer from the "look at me" syndrome. Whether it is from low self-esteem or grandiose importance, whether it is as a victim or an aggressor, whether it is shy and meek personality or narcissistic ego starving for any and all to bow before them, it is all cloaked in the individual. We must move beyond this limited thinking if we are to survive as the Human Clan.

We are Human Anonymous.  Mah-n-Jah celebrates the precious part we play in the clan, just as She celebrates all the beings She plays a hand in creating. She celebrates the rocks and the stars, the trees and the Humans, all equally. Our Mother the earth celebrates the Human clan as she celebrates all clans from mineral to breathing, equally. It is within the equality we are all anonymous, One.

We are Human Anonymous on a more personal level, as well, as individuals. We share within the Clan, a teaching. This teaching has developed over millennia. It started small and grew to until now the whole world and Human Clan are affected by this teaching. It is a teaching because when we learn it we are no longer able be comfortable in our own skin. One needs to be taught to be uncomfortable with themselves. It does not come naturally. It is brainwashing. When we are born we are perfect. We know it, our parents know it, our Creator knows it. We are perfect as an individual, we are perfect as a human being, we are who we are meant to be. There is an acceptance of perfection within us and within the world.Then we are taught we are not perfect. Someone, something bigger than us has raped our minds. Rape may seem like a strong word and it is. When I hear how women or men look upon themselves after a rape I heard the same thoughts. " I did something wrong" "I am dirty" "It is my fault" "I am damaged" These are also the thought that fills us when we have our minds raped. Just as a victim of sexual abuse or any physical abuse carry their trauma with them every day affecting how they see the world, so do those who are taught the are no longer perfect. The language is the same. "I am not good enough" "There is something wrong with me" "I am damaged" Yes on one hand the violence is physical and the behavior of the aggressor is unacceptable. On the other hand the violence is mental and still unacceptable. There is little difference between the pain of the mind and the body, unfortunately in the case of physical abuse the victim needs to heal both. The body will heal but the mind may or may not. No matter how one learns they are in some way less than human, less than perfect, mental torture is the result.

When we talk about being "perfect" as a human being, as part of the Human Clan, one must undo the teaching. Perfect is a relative term. To be a perfect dog is much different from being a perfect cat. To be a perfect Human Being we accept we make mistakes. Some look upon the word "perfect" to mean without flaw and that is impossible. Maybe there is a "perfect" Goddess or God somewhere but even this I doubt can be true. On our planet there is evolution, which means trial and error, which means none perfection. This could only mean that Mah-n-Jah(God) on this planet is not perfect or She would have gotten it right the first time and been done with it. If, how ever you define the Creator, has to use trial and error, with the emphasis on error, would it not be a bit presumptuous to think one as a human does not. The perfect human needs to make mistakes and the perfect human being does not see them as mistakes. What they see is the perfect opportunity at the perfect time to learn how to be more at ease within themselves and within the Human Clan.

We are taught, brainwashed, mentally raped,  to believe we have and are a problem. Look at most 4 and 5 years olds, they have already started to under go the training of self- loathing but they still have a good hold on their perfection.  They are happy and free. They feel anger, sadness, digest, annoyance, but do not hold on to it. It comes and goes. As adults when we feel these emotions we hold them. We beat ourselves and others up with them. The stronger the emotion is the more we become the emotion. We project the emotion on situations and others. No matter how we try to get out from under these emotions ultimately they come home to roost and we are left with negativity, living in the sense of self. We blame our self. Now there are a few folks whom seem always to blame others, who are "right", at least in their own mind, all or most the time.  These folks are actors. I am not sure about a lot but my guess is the more self-righteous the more pain, self-doubt and confusion lays under the surface. The self-righteous are desperate to convince others that they are right. They need the world to tell them they are right because they can not honestly tell themselves. "If the world see me as right I must be; even if my mind say different"

The mind, ego, and personality does not want the world to see our inner dialog. We hide it and all think we are the only ones who have such poisonous self thoughts. Thoughts like "if they knew what I really thought no one would like me" but the thing is everyone, with the exception of a few sociopaths, do have these thoughts and feeling. We are taught to have them. We are taught we are not perfect, we have to be because that 5 year old knew he/she was perfect. If we knew perfection and freedom at 5 how come we do not know it now? Someone or something bigger than us taught us we were not perfect, that we were in fact stupid to believe it to began with.

If we take the look at the importance of the individual that we are also taught by this white-mans system and combine it with the low self-esteem, self angst, self-doubt and all other self negativeties one is taught in this white-mans system one can see the begins of ownership. One starts to own the negative thought. They are me and I am them. These thought and feeling control us and our lives. Everything we see, do or say is jaded through these believes of ourselves. We at this  point have become a "Crazy Fucking White-man". One is no longer perfect because they can not see it in themselves. The truth, whether one see it within themselves or not, is we are perfect Human Beings. We are perfect Human Beings who have been taught and believed something that is not true.

We are all suffering from be attached to this false narrative. We all own it but it is not ours to own. It is a false massage. It came from outside of us. This message has no face. This message is anonymous. It is Human Anonymous. It is what we share within our heads but do not share out-loud. It is the commonality of all races, of all humans in today's world.

In the end we are facing to very different yet interdependent Human Anonymouses. We are not individuals in either case. We are the Human Clan, anonymous within the clan. At this moment in time the Human Clan is sick and is going the way of extinction. The Human Clan has forgotten who we are. We have bought into, accepted and believe we are less than our perfect selves. We hide the pieces of who we are; that someone has convinced  us are "BAD". By hiding the "bad" we feel we are the only one who are this way. We own the "bad" internally. We become the "bad" in our minds. We are no longer Human Beings in the Human Clan. We are Human Anonymous lost in the anonymity of what we share, a poisoned brainwash mind. We are separate because of our "Badness". This is a lack of self-love. When we are separated; without love from self we can not be loved by the other. One can only accept and give love to the level they love themselves. Without love one can not love or be loved by their clan. Without love one can not love or be loved by their Mother, the Earth. And what are the words we are missing from the Human Clan and the Mother because of the lack of love? Words, feelings, thought and emotions like respect, care-taking,care-giving, honor, compassion, empathy, peacefulness, acceptance, trust. When one looks at this list it is hard not to see that the world is missing these attributes. It is very very sad we are no longer allowing ourselves to be human, to be in love with our Human Clan, to love the Mother who gives life itself. It is this lack of love that allows our race at this time to destroy our Mother and follow Human beings. There is no other way that could explain how we justify this suicidal behavior other than the sickness that come from lack of love.

Embrace yourself!
Embrace our Mother!
Embrace your Clan!

Accept we all are-
Human Anonymous!

Copyright © 2019 by Joseph and Human Anonymous